You never realize how hard it is to put your thoughts down on paper, until you really try. There are those moments where you just have that urge, the urge to be creative, to create something with your mind in real life. I imagine that’s how real artists feel. The real artists who have mastered that challenge of transferring that idea from their mind into something they can share with the world. It’s completely inspiring and totally frustrating. I’ve spent my whole life trying to do that, and at first I thought that art was the direct route. But EVERYTHING is art. Not just paintings, but books, movies, poems, music. Everything is. I’ve seen so many beautiful things created, so many paintings, drawings, stories and novels that someone just pulled out of the depths of their minds for all the world to experience.
At first, I really struggled with that. But recently, I started thinking about it differently. As I started thinking about it more and more, I became even more frustrated. I always feel like I start things, projects, that I never can complete. I am always afraid to put myself out there, the real me. I ALWAYS hold back. It’s the worst feeling to know I had a blog, this blog, out there for 4 years and every 6 months or so I delete all of it’s content and try to start over.
Of course, I am always trying to copy others, that’s my problem. I started a blog because I read this really successful Food Blog that inspired me. . . inspired me to want to do the EXACT same thing. I started photography because I saw someone take photos of nature, and I wanted to do the EXACT same thing. I could keep going, but I think you get the idea.
I tend to do that. A LOT. It’s like I have this drive, to morph a characters thoughts, ideas, lifestyle, etc, into my life. I’ve been doing that for as long as I can remember. Part of me knows I am doing it, but I know there is a larger part that likes to ignore it, pretend I am not changing something about myself simply because I read a story where they did that too. Pretending I don’t wrap myself up in that world, story, movie, T.V. show or even that persons life.
Like I said, this is very hard to put things down on paper. I’ve never been the best writer, or best at anything. As I said, my problem always was that I never committed to anything. I gave up, got bored, changed my mind 1,000 times over. As I woke up this morning, I knew I had to change that. I wanted to create something beautiful with my mind, even if its not beautiful to other people, I need to, have to see how beautiful it is just because I created it. And the thought of that, the thought that I am my own worst enemy, made me happy. It was more that I was happy to realize it. To realize that to the rest of the world, I don’t let myself go, not 100%. I always hold back, to afraid to let myself be.
So here I am, I am going to start blogging. Not for anyone else, not for fame, glory, to make someone jealous, or even to inspire anyone else. But for me, to show myself and prove to myself I can complete something. And for the experience, where I create things, even if they are terrible. But accept them, for how beautiful they are, even if they are not like anything else.
All in all, here is my everything. The window into my soul, that portal into the inner workings of my mind. Why am I really doing this you ask? Because. Because. . .I want to prove to myself that everything I create is beautiful, that everything anyone creates is beautiful. Therefore, not a SINGLE post will ever be deleted. I will post stores, poems, rants, book reviews, anything, ANYTHING I feel like. No structure, no goals. Just me, welcome to my mind. I hope you enjoy.